THE LITERAL BIBLE

Dear God,

I know that people should be extremely careful before using, “but the Bible says,” as a way
to justify their own behavior, or to condemn the behavior of others.

You expect more intelligence of us. This point is well made through these humorous questions, which, taking the Old Testament literally, suggest considerable mayhem.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine says that applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

When I burn a bull on the altar
as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors: They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 31:14 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police do it?

Leviticus 21:20 says that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops (barley and wheat)in the same field,
as does his wife, by wearing garments made
of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).

He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary to go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together
to stone them (Leviticus 24: 10-16)?
Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair, as we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

Help us, Lord, to interpret and understand Your words and Your laws sensibly and wisely.

Amen

–Source unknown

 

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